Finding my way back home

"Let my faith change my life, not justify it!"
 
Years ago, when I was struggling in high school, I announced I was an atheist; I didn't want to believe in God anymore; I was even doubting His existence. Looking back, that was one of the biggest cornerstones in my life, and I mean my whole life, not just spiritually. It was the first time I had seriously questioned and even walked away from the religion I had inherited—the religion I was raised in. I saw God through new eyes, and I got to know him personally. When I did, I knew I had found my home.
 
It's funny how, now, I can't even imagine not having God in my life. Not know him like I do or have the relationship I do. If you had asked me then about miracles, I would probably give an answer that would let you know how cynical I was, but today I would say, "Of course I know about miracles; I am standing here today because of not one, not two, but millions of big and small miracles God has given me through my life. I am a living testimony of not just that God exists but also that he is good beyond compare.

That is my biggest blessing in life—knowing God! And not because I was taught so (though my childhood Sabbath day lessons guide me in so many ways). I mean, I truly know him. That is why my biggest regret is how weak and inconsistent I have become in my spiritual life. I recently saw a video on tiktok that made me reflect back on my life, and I realized how much I have turned my faith into a tool to justify my life rather than let it change me. The preacher in the video used a gym as an example; he explained how some people let going to the gym change their lifestyle, and others let it justify it. For some, it is an outlook of "I went to the gym so I should eat healthy; I went to the gym; I can't put that in my body," but for others, it's "I went to the gym so I can eat that; I worked out so I can eat unhealthy." It is a justification for the existing lifestyle, and that is why people going to the same gym, even putting in the same hours, may not have the same body. just like how people going to the same church may not have the same faith. 

The second thing I learned is how much I sacrificed for my time with God, how inconsistent I have become with my prayers, and how much I started normalizing, even playing with the boundaries of sin. I feel as if I have used my faith like a genie lamp to rub for wishes. I felt awful, and that feeling drove me even further away because of shame and fear. Today I am taking the first step in finding my way back home.


I want my faith to change my life; I want to live my life through his grace, but most of all, I want to be back exactly where I belong, at home. And if you are like me, staying away from God, out of shame or even fear, know that you are loved. And you are always welcome. God never gave up on us, He never forsake us.


I find warmth and comfort in being the child of a God that held on to me when I was running, loved and saw me through my darkest days. How sad it is to live a life without such light source.

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